We have a tagline on the building and the website – ‘Finally, someone who understands your problem’.
This is meant not just in the sense of ‘we understand neck pain’ or ‘we understand knee pain’ but also ‘we understand you and how it affects you’.
It’s all about communication. Let’s face it, being in any kind of society is all about communication. Even MAFS.
I have been thinking a lot about communication lately. I think that 95.23% of disagreements happen because of a lack of good communication (I made that number up completely).
Recently, I have had a few opportunities to think about disagreements and conflict resolution.
One of those opportunities has been the masterstroke of television programming, Married At First Sight (hereon known as MAFS).
Arguments were fodder for the producers. You could hear their heavy breathing and salivating as the camera followed yet another contestant storming out following a barney, or after being bathed in red wine.
Disagreements were rife, despite the presence of the hilariously titled ‘experts’. The experts seemed more preoccupied with the contestants’ level of intimacy than working through any conflict.
With MAFS and other disputes, it is clear that the key is often related to communication, or the lack of it. Expectations not communicated. Boundaries that aren’t clear. Or a lack of understanding.
Communication is more than just talking
Now I’m no communication expert or psychologist, but if you think about it, communication is not just sending information.
Communication is also receiving information AND processing and consideration of that information.
Sometimes, there seems to be plenty of sending, but not much receiving. Or if it is received, not much contemplation or processing.
Two great quotes about communication
I read this quote recently and it really hit me between the eyes:
‘The biggest communication problem is that we listen to reply, not to understand’
Just stop and consider that for a moment – ask yourself honestly if that sounds like you.
George Bernard Shaw said ‘‘The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place’
Heidi and Mike – a template for disaster
We have all been there. Heidi on MAFS certainly has.
On Day 1 of their ‘honeymoon’, she was laying out her life story and her deepest thoughts. Mike was clearly drifting off when he said ‘gee it’s hot today, isn’t it?’
When she protested about his lack of attention, Mike smoothly replied with ‘This isn’t therapy. I’m not your therapist’. Another MAFS golden moment.
Mike is not going to grow up to be a counsellor.
In real life, it is usually more subtle than that.
Does this sound like you?
Picture this. Someone is talking to you and expressing their thoughts carefully.
You wait and wait and wait for the break in conversation (or maybe you don’t even wait, which seems to be a contagion).
You finish their sentences for them, maybe to try and hurry them up.
When you think they have finished talking, you interrupt with your own nugget of wisdom and ‘I know just how you feel …… I had the same thing happen to me. Let me tell you about it’
You fail to listen.
You have filled in time, waiting for that person to finish, by formulating your own thoughts.
You create your own ideas. You miss the message and opportunity to understand.
It is all about your agenda, not theirs.
You think you have listened. You think you have understood. But really you haven’t.
Arguably, listening is the most difficult part to communication. The sending part is easy, and everyone seems to be getting really good at it.
If you are on social media, it is largely about sending and your agenda.
Maybe I’m a little jaded, but it seems like people are getting better and better at sending and not as good at receiving and I wonder if social media might be a contributing factor.
I’m sitting here typing this out, I’m sending. Whether it is read is another thing entirely, and whether it is considered is yet another thing.
I really hope someone considers this blog and maybe even passes it on for someone else to briefly skim over!
